Nah, this is the craziest video I've ever seen pic.twitter.com/FdyonJviYz

— Spurs Culture (@SpursCulture) May 1, 2024

That’s it, I’ve seen enough! With that video, Victor Wembanyama has officially locked up my vote for Defensive Player of the Year. Unfortunately for Wemby, I don’t have a ballot for NBA awards because I am a functioning idiot blogger working for a site that barely satisfies the requirements to have Sports in its name and even if I did, I’m pretty sure the deadline to submit votes has already passed. Nonetheless, he is still my pick for causing every player to slam on the brakes every time they spotted him like he was the Red Light, Green Light doll from Squid Game.

I’m sure you could piece together similar videos for Rudy Gobert and Bam Adebayo while supernerds in the NBA media likely have a gaggle of stats for why Gobert should win his fourth DPOY or Bam should take hom his first. Numbers may never lie, but they can make you fall in love with players who suck and make no mistake about it, Gobert and Bam absolutely suck. They don’t suck at the game of basketball in the traditional sense but in the sense that they are just (to quote Frank The Tank) THE ABSOLUTE WORST! 

Rudy was essentially the least liked player in the NBA even before he singlehandedly turned COVID-19 into a pandemic.

Rudy Gobert went from touching all the microphones to being disappeared by the men in black.@GeorgesNiang20 tells @PardonMyTake about the behind-the-scenes details of the prank and the fallout. pic.twitter.com/FA2QY33kCu

— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports)

July 22, 2022

Playing next to the most likable superstar in the league has taken some of the heat off Rudy. But I don’t think anybody is rushing to give a Frenchman another award for being good at defending something.

Meanwhile, Bam is the guy you hold your breath with every time your team plays against him. Not just because he’s a great defender or anything. But because he constantly pulls bullshit like this.

I will be sleeping much better once the Celtics send Bam Adebayo to Cancun so he cannot make any more dirty plays: pic.twitter.com/u3LkT73WJ4

— Tomek Kordylewski (@Timi_093) May 1, 2024

Bam Adebayo intends to injure Jayson Tatum.

Incredibly dirty play after the whistle.

Heat culture pic.twitter.com/cwYyOcVjEM

— Savage (@SavageSports_) April 30, 2024

So I’m gonna give my imaginary vote to Wemby. Yeah he gets the sentimental vote for not only being super fun to watch and being extremely more likable than the other two. He also led the NBA in blocks after averaging a block per game more than any other player. He also crushed the advanced metrics by leading in MOP-HP (Makes Opponents Play Hot Potato). I might have just made that stat up, but I stand by it since he had guys scared to shoot whether he was in the paint, at the arc, or at halfcourt running back on defense since he is the giant monster from Stranger Things in a league full of superathletic freaks.

Michael Gonzales. Getty Images.

El. Em. Ef. Ay. Ohhhhhhhhhh. I can’t believe this dude is only going to get better. Thank GOD the Spurs are in the Western Conference because I want no part of this dude with the perfect logo.