Photo: Emma McIntyre/FilmMagic

It’s time to confess a deep, dark secret: I have a crush on Nicolas Cage. I love his unsettlingly intense voice, his mighty eyebrows, and his powerful collection of leather jackets. Suddenly, I’m realizing “I’m gonna steal the Declaration of Independence” are the most erotic words on the planet. And judging from the new GQ cover, where Cage is grasping an enormous serpent in his big, strong, snake-loving hands, I’m not alone.

If you’re not convinced, maybe you’d like to see him in the desert?

Something about these photos is deeply, irresistibly attractive. There are at least four statement belt buckles, some freaky sunglasses, and Cage looking vaguely threatening next to a backhoe. It’s confrontational, cerebral, and even a little dark? Nick Cage, throw dirt in my face.

If you still need convincing, allow me to point you to a few tidbits Cage revealed in this interview, which I think you’ll find pretty hot. He is such a passionate animal lover that he recently took in a few turtles and a fish with a bum eye after the owner of his favorite pet store in Las Vegas died.

Also he’s in very good health — per his own recollection, his doctor says he has “the liver of a 13-year-old choir boy.” Telling someone you’re doing well? Boring. Comparing one of your organs to a tween? Inspired!

But at its core, my attraction to Nicolas Cage is rooted in the fact that he is truly, uniquely weird. This seems to be on full display in his new movie, The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, in which he plays an exaggerated version of … himself. In one scene, Cage apparently kisses a de-aged version of himself, which he made decidedly weirder by specifically asking to make out with his own CGI-ed face.

“He was supposed to kiss him on the cheek,” the movie’s director reports, “and he was like, ‘Oh, I’d like to French-kiss.’” I know the feeling